Emails to Santa
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career packing freezers at BiLo. How about I send you a f**king book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Here's an AK-47 instead. Do yourself a favour and remove the safety catch.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mum, who nags his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Lego instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a guitar.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, you greedy little turd.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself paraletic and squeezing the arses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. And I'm not your friend.
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Get out of the sheltered workshop and wake up to yourself. Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your parents, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting socks again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, so how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your arse kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
